Forever and Almost Always
by junebugjazzy
Summary: "When I agreed to be Edward's mistress I wasn't thinking about the consequences. All I wanted was the chance to explore whatever that chemistry was between the two of us. I never thought that our relationship would explode the way it did. " (chapter 3) Bella tells her daughter about how she met her father, the older, illustrious, and very taken Edward Cullen.
1. Prologue

**Hi Guys, Here's the prologue for the new story that I'm writing called Forever and Almost Always. This story is will not have a beta but I will do my best to take care of errors, let me know if you catch any. Please write me a review and let me know if you think I should continue. Thanks so much for reading! :)**

**Starting age for Bella: 18**

**Starting age for Ed: 25**

**Starting age for Carlie: 16**

**Bella was 21 when she had Carlie. Edward was 28. **

**Bella currently is 37. Edward is currently 44.**

**Italics is Bella talking to Carlie. **

**Story will not be chronological order. **

Prologue

_When you're a little kid Disney movies make love seem magical and easily attainable. Any pretty girl can find it, and once you do it's always yours. You naively think that your Prince Charming will be your forever, that nothing will ever tear you apart. _

_Disney will lie to you darling. And I should know. _

"Hey Bell," I stopped whatever it was that I was doing because it was him and I couldn't help but to give him my full attention. As horrible as that sounds, I knew that I wouldn't have him for long, so I had to soak up every moment I could. He jogged across the grass, swooped me up and spun me around until I was dizzy.

"Edward!" I laughed harder. "Put me down, now!" he did, but not before kissing me. It took me by surprise but after a moment of hesitation I kissed him back.

"I thought you were back with Tanya?" I asked when we broke a part; my voice was breathless with hope and desire.

"I am." He kissed me again and I didn't stop him even though the fissure in my heart got just a little bigger.

I knew it was coming but I still couldn't help the sharp pain that shot through my heart at his admission. I was nothing but a placeholder to him and at the time I wasn't okay with it but I had accepted it and secretly hoped for better. I hoped for more.

_Yes darling, I was one of _those_ girls. My only defense is that I was a naïve eighteen year old in love with a twenty-five year old man. Edward was, is, Aunt Alice's brother. That's right, Carlie. It means that he's your father. _

_I'm telling you this because he wants to meet you. He wants to be in your life but it's up to you. I'm telling you everything because I don't want you to blame him for not being in your life. _

_I know what you're thinking sweetie, and it's not his fault. Edward is not the bad guy. Nothing is ever that black and white. I knew exactly what I was getting into. He told me that he would never love me, could never love me. He was promised to Tanya, and there was no way his parents would let him settle for the lowly daughter of a police officer. The Cullen's were the headliners of the society page. They had money, power and the prestige to go along with it. _

_Edward wasn't a bad guy. He just had daddy issues. All Edward ever wanted was his father's love and acceptance and Tanya was his way to get it. It didn't matter that he didn't love her, or that she didn't love him, all that mattered was that Carlisle was proud of him. I think that in the beginning I was Edward's quiet rebellion. I allowed him to have me, all of me, without any expectations and he needed that. By the end, Edward loved me and hated himself for it because nothing could ever come of it. The day he told me that, I made him choose between Tanya and us. I knew that if he had chosen us that it would have meant the end of everything for him. His career, his family, he would have nothing, it was an impossible ultimatum. I knew that and so did he. I so desperately needed an out and I think on some level Edward knew that I wouldn't be able to take much more of it. As much as I loved him, being with him was killing me. Every time we kissed or touched the guilt ate away at me. I loathed the person that I became because Edward was married, not happily so, but married nonetheless, and I refused to stop seeing him. Something had to give; I couldn't be his secret anymore and he couldn't leave Tanya and face being disowned by his family._

_You see, Edward's father was the Mayor of Chicago and Edward was supposed to follow in his footsteps. I, we, didn't fit in with that standard, so he hid us from the world and when Carlisle found out, there was hell to pay. I'll tell you more about that later; for now let's get back to the story. This story-my story- won't be told in chronological order. It will start out that way but then it will go in and out between the more recent past and things that happened much earlier because you have to understand everything as I have. This means that I have to tell you all of my reflections in the order of which I came to them. _


	2. Chapter 1

I met Alice my senior year of high school. We had just moved to Illinois because of my father's transfer. From the moment I met her in AP Chemistry I knew we would be best friends. Her energy was contagious. She looked fierce. Her short black hair was styled in a pixie cut with striking dark blue high lights and her style can only be described as rocker/hippie chic. The day I met her she was wearing a pair of skintight black leather pants and a beaded white peasant top. I remember thinking that it was an odd combination but it worked with her lithe frame and personality.

_You would never have recognized your Aunt Alice; she was going through a rebellion too, albeit not as quietly as her brother. It was never purely about upsetting Carlisle though; Alice just wanted to be free to live her own life, the way she wanted to._

Anyway, Alice adopted me on sight. We became thick as thieves almost immediately. She would hang out at Morton's, the pretentious steakhouse that hired me as a waitress, and talk to me whenever there was a lull. She would come to my house practically every day after school. Nanny and Poppy loved her and had no problems with her spending as much time as possible in our house. I never noticed that Alice had never really mentioned her family to me until the night they all came into the restaurant and ended up in my section. I wasn't supposed to be there that night and yet there I was, no one was more surprised than Alice.

I walked over to my newly occupied table and without paying attention, started my spiel while I dug into my apron for my order pad. When I finally found it, I looked up and focused on Alice's unsmiling face.

"Hey Ally, What are you doing here?" I smiled completely forgetting that we weren't the only two people in the restaurant. Alice was about to respond when a cough from the gentleman to my right interrupted her and commanded the attention of everyone at the table.

"Mary Alice, please introduce us to your friend." Anyone listening to the conversation would have assumed that the request was innocuous and even well-meaning unless they picked up on the slight edge in the gentleman's voice when he said 'friend'.

"Bella," she said through gritted teeth as she started to introduce me. "This is my Dad, Carlisle Cullen, my mother Esme Cullen, and my older brother Edward. Guys, this is Isabella Swan."

Mr. Cullen was handsome but the smile on his face when he held out his hand for me to shake, while charming, was also glaringly fake. Mrs. Cullen on the other hand exuded warmth and grace. I didn't really get a chance to dwell on the differences between Mr. and Mrs. Cullen because Edward had fully captured my attention. His eyes were a startlingly bright shade of green and when he stood up and grasped my hand, I felt a tiny shock. God, he was so attractive.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Swan." His voice was low and smooth, without the harsh roughness that his father had.

"Bella." Alice hissed quietly enough for only me to hear. I was so lost in our interaction that I forgot he was still holding my hand. I quickly pulled out of his grasp and addressed the group as professionally as I could.

"May I take your drink order?" I asked flustered and without my usual finesse. I'm almost positive that I was the shade of a tomato from my head to my toes.

"My son and I will have a scotch on the rocks, my wife will have a glass of your finest red wine and Mary Alice will have a-"

"Alice will have a coke, Bella." Alice said to me while engaging in a stare down with her father.

"Yes, Ms. Swan, Mary Alice will have a _diet_ coke." He glares daring her to contradict him.

"Absolutely. I'll be right back with your order." My voice is falsely chipper to cover up my discomfort.

As I'm grabbing the drinks for the Cullen's, my manager, Mike, comes over and takes them from me.

"I think it would be best if I take care of the Cullen's tonight, Bella. Their patronage is _very _important to us."

"Fine. I'm going on a smoke break." I had no problem giving up that particular table, tips be damned.

I walked out the back door silently fuming and lit up my cigarette.

"I apologize for my father's behavior." I knew without looking that it was Edward.

"Why apologize for your father's actions? They aren't yours." I turn around to face him, taking a moment to study him. His hair is this wild reddish orange color that makes it seem like he has a case of bed head all the time and his suit looks like it was molded to his body. He's gorgeous.

His answering smirk tells me that he definitely saw me checking him out. "How do you know Alice?" he shrugs off my question and answers with his own.

"She's my AP chemistry partner." Disappointment flashes across his face. "I'm a senior." I quickly provide without really thinking about it. He's definitely older than Alice and I, but not that much older.

"Ahh." He smiles. "Any idea what you want to do?"

"I want to write children's books" I say with conviction.

"Whoa," He holds his hands up in surrender. "I wasn't going to argue with you about it."

"Sorry. My dad is very much against the idea of me becoming a writer. I'm so used to defending my career choice that it's made me a little defensive."

"It's fine. No apologies necessary. I completely understand."

"Really? Mr. Cullen doesn't appreciate whatever it is you do?" I throw out my cigarette and stomp it out.

"It's more like the things that I don't do. I'm a lawyer not a politician, and every single time I see my dad, he never lets me forget it." He stuffs his hands in his pocket and refuses to look me in the eye.

"I'm sure you're one of the best lawyers Chicago has ever seen." I don't know why I said that to him, I don't know him from Adam but it just felt like the right thing to say. The chill is starting to get to me and I wrap my arms around myself to gather warmth, I can't bring myself to go inside and leave our little bubble.

"Thanks for that Bella." The smile he gave me made me feel like I hung the moon. He notices that I'm shivering and like the gentleman he is, takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulder but he never moves away.

I think I may have forgotten how to breathe, he's so close and the air around us seems to be crackling with tension. His eyes darken and I know he's going to kiss me. His lips come within a hair of mine and I close my eyes waiting for his lips to touch mine but they never do. I open my eyes to find him looking at me but the emotion in his eyes is unreadable.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. More than you will ever know. I have to get back to my family." And before I could say another word he's back inside of the restaurant, and I'm left confused and wanting.

_That should have been the end of the story Carls, but I'm glad it's not, otherwise you wouldn't be here and no matter what happened between Edward and I, there's no way I could never ever regret you. _


	3. Chapter 2

**The general consensus seems to be that people hate Edward, but I urge you all to keep an open mind. Now as far as an HEA there will be one it just might not be with Edward (I'm still deciding). Remember love isn't always black and white, we can't always control who we fall for. Enjoy! Please review! **

_Edward and I would never have seen each other again had it not been for Alice. _

Nanny and Poppy left me alone in the house for a week to celebrate their anniversary in Hawaii, so Alice and I decided to raid the liqueur cabinet and by that I mean Alice decided and I went along with it. Let's just say it didn't go well. I had shot after shot after shot of vodka and I thought I was okay. The room was spinning and so was I.

_Carlie, if you ever feel the need to get drunk, don't. There is a reason the drinking age is 21. It's because you don't know how to control yourself, all you know is that the drunker you are the happier you feel, and so you keep on drinking and that's where the alcohol poisoning comes in. _

I woke up the next morning feeling like death warmed over. I had no memory of what happened the night before and the worst headache of my life.

"Alice?" I croaked out without opening my eyes.

"She's not here." I remember very clearly thinking that if there was a God, Edward Cullen would not be in my house. I think I may have even said a prayer or two. "I know you're up, Bella. I have Aleve and water, both of which will make that headache go away."

"Tease." I finally opened my eyes taking in the décor of my living room and Edward sitting in the chair directly in front of me. "Please stop laughing, it's loud and making the room move. Where's Alice?"

"You really don't remember anything from last night do you?" He holds out the pills and water for me. "Here, take this. It'll make you feel better."

"Not really." I swallowed the two pills with the water as I tried to think. "The last thing I remember is dancing with Alice to ABBA."

"Alice called me when your breathing became irregular and you passed out. By the time I got here you were awake and taking off your clothes, trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I called the family driver to take Alice to my apartment."

I groan in embarrassment and look down only to realize that I'm only wearing a t-shirt and underwear. "I'm really sorry you had to spend the night babysitting me."

"You were reckless! You could have died last night! You _and _Alice could have died from your recklessness! That's why I stayed, because I was worried you would asphyxiate in the middle of the night."

I cover my overly sensitive ears with my hands. "Why on earth are you still here, Edward?" I stood up incensed by his self-righteousness. "You made it quite clear that you wanted nothing to do with me."

"I-" Edward stood up, now standing toe to toe with me.

"Oh no you don't" I poked him hard in the chest. "You were going to kiss me. I was outside enjoying my cigarette _Mr. Big Shot_," Another poke. "When you come out of nowhere and start your flirting." Poke. "I can't believe I was attracted to such a pompous asshole." He grabbed my hand to prevent another stab to the chest and pulls me close. God, he smelled delicious.

"Bella, I can't give you what you want." His hand caressed my cheek and I couldn't help but to lean into his palm. The pull this man had over me was ridiculous. "As much as I want you, I can't do that to you. I can't be that selfish."

"What exactly do you think I want?" I was aiming for angry and insulted but instead I sounded whiny and needy.

"I can't love you, Bella. I can't even date you." His eyes pleaded for me to understand. "I'm engaged."

"Why the fuck would you try to kiss me if you're engaged? You asshole." I tried pulling out of his grip but he just held me tighter.

"I don't love her but I'm promised to her."

"You're an adult Edward, you aren't promised to anyone." I should have left the room. I should have put him out of my house and forgotten about the entire thing. He was no good for me, and I knew it from the very beginning. Something stopped me from doing all of the things that I knew I should. Instead of kicking him out, I let him into my heart.

"I don't want you to love me, or even date me. I'll take whatever you can give me, Edward." I kissed him, hoping that my meaning was clear. I didn't have to wait long, we soon became a tangled mess of limbs.

_It takes two to tango and I definitely took the lead for that dance. I didn't even think about it. I freely gave everything that I had to offer to a man that had nothing to give back to me. There was some kind of pull, like I was just a magnate being pulled toward him. I couldn't say no, I didn't want to say no. If you ask Nanny and Poppy they'll tell you that Edward was just an infatuation but that's not true. I loved him, not a puppy dog kind of love but an all-consuming-I'd-do-anything-for-you kind of love. It wasn't the healthiest relationship in the world but it wasn't exactly toxic either. It felt great at the time but in the end we lost ourselves in each other. It became harder and harder to function because Edward couldn't be by my side and vice versa. Being in love with Edward was everything I ever thought I wanted but it was too much. I would never have survived such an incredible kind of love. Even now, almost twenty years later I can still feel the gaping hole in my heart, with all of its frayed edges, from when he left. Love is wicked like that. Despite it all, I wouldn't change a thing. Even though loving Edward could be painful; it was also the best feeling in the world. _


	4. Chapter 3

**Review and I'll send you a teaser!**_  
_

_When I agreed to be Edward's mistress, I wasn't thinking about the consequences. All I wanted was the chance to explore whatever that chemistry was between the two of us. I never thought that our relationship would explode the way it did. I never took into consideration Carlisle's ruthlessness and determination to keep Edward away from me or you, Carlie. I never thought that you would be a possibility. Birth control pills were supposed to be infallible so we weren't careful. _

"No. you're lying. This can't be happening to me. Please, tell me you're lying Alice. Please." I crumple on the hard tile of the bathroom, unable to face the fact that I am pregnant with Edward's child. His whore is having his child while his wife struggles with infertility. How fucking ironic.

"What am I supposed to do now, Ally?" Alice kneels down on the floor with me and takes my hand into hers. "He doesn't love me, at least not enough to leave his wife."

"Oh, Bella." Alice gathers me into her arms because what can she really say? He's her brother and I knew the score when I started this stupid affair. God, what am I going to do with a baby? Nothing, there is nothing I can do with a child. I can't support it and myself. Hell, I'm barely able to put myself through school.

I knew what I was going to do. What I would have to do. "Alice," I take a deep breath and wipe away the last of my tears. "Please call your brother and have him come over. I need to prepare myself to tell him." Everything will be fine. I just need to take a shower and get myself together. One step at a time.

Edward came over later that night, long after Alice has gone back to her room to sleep. He looked haggard, but my traitorous heart still started beating fast when I opened the door to let him in.

"I'm sorry Isabella." He leans in to kiss my lips and is surprised when he meets my cheek instead. "What's wrong?"

"Come in." I let him into the apartment that Alice and I share. "What took you so long?"

"Please, don't." He holds up his hands in surrender. "I can't take two knock-down-drag-out-fights today." I feel my anger ebb away and hopelessness takes its place. This situation isn't ideal for anyone; I can't pick a fight with him. We're both tired. I'm so damn tired of fighting for a fairytale that will never be mine.

"Can you just hold me for a minute…?" my voice cracks as tears start to fall down my face. "Please."

Edward does me one better, he picks me up bridal style and carries me over to the living room couch where cradles me against his chest while I cry my heart out.

He gently strokes my hair whispering "Mi Amore." over and over again until my tears dry up and the front of his shirt is soaked with my tears and stained with mascara.

"I'm pregnant." I look up into his eyes and say without any preamble.

"You're pregnant." He parrots back to me robotically.

I nod my head. "I found out this morning. I took the test with Alice." My head hangs low and my hair forms a curtain between us. I don't want to see the incredulity, or disgust or even happiness on his face. All of them, any of them, will make me sick to my stomach.

"I can make an appointment to take care of it tomorrow. You don't have to do anything." I say when Edward still hasn't spoken. **You're a whore, not a mother. **The niggling voice of my subconscious points out.

That brought Edward out of his trance. "No. that's my baby in there, you are not getting an abortion." He puts one hand on my stomach and uses the other hand to lift my head. "Our baby.

And for a moment, a brief fleeting moment, I see it. I see us raising our baby together and I want it. I want it so badly that I can taste it. We would get married on the beach and buy a house painted blue in a small town near the sea somewhere. We would raise our children, a boy and a girl, together along with a dog that was cleverly named Spot. We'd fight over money and things he'll forget to do, but never for long and the make-up sex would be out of this world. We'd grow old together, my brown hair turned silver and twisted into a bun and his copper hair long gone but we're happy. We're in rocking chairs outside watching our grandchildren play in our yard.

But the future I see isn't mine. It belongs to Tanya.

The thought jars me into action; I push his hands away from me and get up off his lap. "No, Edward. You're married to Tanya. Nothing is ours." **I can't keep doing this. The push and pull of this relationship is killing me. He belongs with Tanya. **

"Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had never met you. Not because I hate our relationship but because every day I get a taste of my fairy tale ending, a little teaser of my Prince Charming and then it ends." I snap my fingers for emphasis. "Just like that, and all I want is more. More of you- all of you- but then I realize that what we have, as wonderful as it is, kills me. Every time you leave me to go back to Tanya, or I see you in the paper holding her hand, a little piece of me dies. Every. Single. Time."

"Do you think that I want this?" He starts yelling and wildly gesticulating. "Do you think that I want to go home to Tanya when I would rather be here with you? No! I hate it and I hate myself for loving you!" His voice lowers to an almost imperceptible whisper. "I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you happy."

"Yes, there is—"

"Bella, don't do this." He tugs at his hair and pleads with me not to say what he knows is coming next. "I love-"

I shake my head and the tears start falling again. "Choose, Edward." My voice breaks on his name. "Us or her."

He looks at me, long and hard, and it seems like he's looking through to my soul. He takes a step toward me and for a moment, I think he's chosen me, but then he stops moving forward and turns around. I hear the sound of the front door being opened and then the soft click of the door shutting into place. For the second time that day I crumple to the floor and cry tears of relief and sadness.

_Carlie, please don't be like that. Try to understand my point of view. Yes. I entertained the idea of an abortion but can you imagine how I felt? I had no idea what I was doing, I thought I did, but when I realized that I was pregnant with you, I knew I was out of my depth. I was grasping at straws, trying to get my life back on track. You weren't _my _child yet. You weren't this precious piece of me and Edward. You were an abstract idea. You were something that consciously I knew was real but not quite. You weren't real to me until the first time I saw you on the ultrasound screen and heard your little heartbeat. I didn't decide to keep you until that day. _

_I'm not trying to be harsh, even though it sounds that way. I guess I'm just not doing a very good job of explaining myself. If I could go back to that moment where I even thought about getting an abortion, I would tell myself that it isn't an option and that seventeen years later, my daughter was the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you and… so does Edward. _

_A day later, I came home from school to a letter from Edward that was pushed under the door. _

_Dear Bella, _

_Forgive me. I have been so selfish. I kept taking and taking from you hoping that what I had to give you would have been enough. I'm sorry that it wasn't enough. I am so deeply sorry for the hurt that I have caused you. _

_Believe me when I say that I do love you. I love you so much more than I ever thought possible and that's why I left you. You deserve so much better. As much as it will kill me not to have you or our baby in my life, I promise to leave you alone. I only ask that you do two things for me: Please send me pictures of our baby. Throughout the course of their life I just want to be able to know what they look like, or what they've been up to. Please don't completely shut me out of their life. Lastly, please accept the money that I have placed into an account for you to take care of him or her. I can't just do nothing._

_With all my love and not a single regret,_

_Edward _

_I know this is a lot to take in but Edward has always been there. I've sent Edward thousands of pictures and he's been to just about all of your dancing competitions. I write to him whenever you have one and then I look for him in the crowd. Our eyes will meet for a second or two longer than they're supposed to and then he looks away. He's always in the very back, taking in your talent and smiling broadly at your achievements, and then when the show is over, he'll send a nod my way and walk out quickly and quietly. _


End file.
